he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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