Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
