I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
