He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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