I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
