I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
