You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
