Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
