You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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