i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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