Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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