She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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