I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
