just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
