Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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