why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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