The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
