Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
