im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
