Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
