toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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