ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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