Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
