We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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