Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
