my soul wont recognize me after tonight
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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