You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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