Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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