I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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