Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
