I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
