Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
