I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
