She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
