just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
be right there i have to get my cape
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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