I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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