He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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