I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize