note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
