I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Nicole vs. Life
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
