There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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