Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
