i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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