I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
