In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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