I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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