Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
