Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
