soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It was a blind-side dick pic.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
