Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
