i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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