No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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