I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
