I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Small penises have feelings too.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just want to make out with him forever
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
