I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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