Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
