I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
