My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
