i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
