I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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