My Higher Power is John Stamos
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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